Ok. I’m not gonna lie to you my delicious babies. It is a dismal week for new releases and no mistake. Monday (from the Latin, meaning “platters that gleam” or, literally, “new discs”) brings us a bunch of new DVD’s and Blu’s so wretched that even Paul Ross himself would be hard pressed to find a kind word to say about them. Now this is more than likely down to distributors keeping the week clear because the almighty cash-hoover that is FIFA 12 was released on consoles and PC on Friday and so no-one is likely to be spending any money (or even leaving the house) for a week or two but, to be honest, the prospect of reviewing the dreck that they have seen fit to bequeath to us leaves me feeling like it would be more productive, enlightening and informative to provide you with an alphabetised list of the parts of my body that I can touch with my own penis. But, seeing as that it’s you and that I am, after all, a fully licensed professional, I will wade through the waste and see if I can’t find you a pearl or two.
First up is THE EVENT (“It’s mysterious” – “It’s the new Lost” – “It’s…been cancelled”). That’s right. The week’s big new release is a show that you know isn’t going to get the chance to finish before you’ve even started it. Shown – and hyped beyond any kind of sensible level – by Channel 4, here is a show that you’ve either already watched the first episode of and then ditched or are oblivious to and will probably choose to remain so. There’s an old DR WHO out, “Colony In Space” from the Pertwee era, which I am reliably informed is about Dr Who (you already know whether or not you want it) and then there’s CHALET GIRL starring the almost un-dislikeable Bill Nighy and which I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to until I read the phrase “starring XXXX XXXX from TV’s Gossip Girl…” and then I did a little sick in my mouth.
Both Dean Cain and Casper Van Dien can now be officially removed from the missing persons list as they both star in – and I kid you not – THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS VACATION which, I’m sure, is warm-hearted fun for all the family, especially if you were abandoned at a motorway service station as a child and raised by a family of twats. THE DOG WHO SAVED HALLOWEEN is out too, as well as A NANNY FOR CHRISTMAS, both of which also feature Cain (get this man’s agent a chair), but writing this paragraph is making my kidneys hurt so I’m leaving it there.
Wait. I said this was a poor release week but I’m obviously mistaken, because here is THE COMPLETE GHOST WHISPERER Seasons 1 to whatever starring the once lovely Jennifer Love Hewitt, now looking a little grey and defeated, the realities of her cocaine-and-bagels lifestyle having smashed repeatedly into the Winnebago of her childhood Hollywood dreams, siphoning any joy from her soul and leaving her once-twinkly eyes as hollow as Heather Mills’ good leg.
A jolt of excitement shot up my spine when I read that Monday also sees the release of the too-good-to-be-true sounding MEGA PYTHON VS. DEBBIE GIBSON.
Unfortunately it was too good to be true because it actually said MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID starring Debbie Gibson. And by “starring” I do, of course, mean “burning urinary sensation”. This is joined by the equally fish-tastic NIGHT OF THE SHARK starring Daryl Hannah (shame…), Armand Assante (good grief…) and F. Murray Abraham (Dear Lord…) and actually seems to be 2008’s SHARK SWARM with a new name. I’m only mentioning it here because its director, James A. Contner, is a friend of Joss Whedon’s and has directed episodes of Buffy, Angel and Dollhouse and I know that some of you are fanatically inclined. However this whole genetically engineered fish craze has so far passed me by and the idea of any more of these direct-to-DVD, home-computer generated catastrophes blocking up the shelves of my friendly local DVD emporium makes me want to poo into my own cheeks.
Delving deeper still there’s MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM in which an American oil company dig… You know what? That’s it. I’m done. This has all been too much for me. I tried to be strong for you but I’m out. Wading through all this cinematic bilge has taken too much of a toll on me; I’m severely dehydrated and only moments away from a full-on Apocalyptic Rectal Event. I’m done.
Damn you, FIFA 12. Damn you.